2023

During October 2023, ADHD Awareness Month, I was invited to speak about ADHD and women at a large financial institution in London yesterday. 

I shared my ADHD journey with them and I shared that I became an ADHD coach to help prevent people from going through the experiences that I went through.

My experience, my struggles, the crushing lack of self esteem caused by my struggles and the myth that I had outgrown my ADHD has caused me so much guilt and shame over my lifetime and I really would like to prevent that from happening to other women.

There were some very good questions raised prior to the talk and I want to talk about some of those questions. 

• What age were you assessed and what brought you to that need for an assessment – and whether the official diagnosis has helped you.  Also curious if you’ve thought about how you might have dealt with not being formally assessed as having ADHD yet still feeling you were “different”.

I was diagnosed at age 7. This was because I was hyperactive and couldn’t sit still and my teacher couldn’t cope with me in the classroom.  The school suggested to my parents that they take me for an assessment.  I have combined ADHD which is less common in women.  That initial diagnosis (in the 70s in South Africa) didn’t actually help me.  Well, the Ritalin did help me, it helped me to focus and get my work done, mostly.  However; no one – not me, not my parents, not my teacher – was told how my symptoms would impact me and what the implications of my diagnosis were.  I was also told I would outgrow my ADHD in my teens so as an adult I  believed that ADHD was something I had outgrown. I also doubted that I had ADHD in the first place as no one told me what it meant for me. 

I felt different all my life.  I internalised all my struggles as being my fault.  I was just not good at the things that other people found easy.  I struggled for years to keep my head above water and to make it look like I was coping. 

I worked very hard to mask my ADHD traits (my personality flaws as I saw them), I copied other people’s social mannerisms in order to fit in socially. I hid all the parts of me that I felt were unacceptable to other people.  Fortunately I married a man who accepted all those parts of me as being me so that afforded me the relief to just be me at home.

Then I discovered my children had ADHD and I find out that I had not outgrown my ADHD.  I found out that all of my struggles were actually ADHD symptoms.  My work appraisals telling me that I talk too much, yes I have ADHD – it’s not a character flaw, it’s something I can’t help. 

What made the difference to me wasn’t so much my diagnosis, it was understanding what that diagnosis meant for me. 

So I would argue that the most valuable aspect of diagnosis lies in learning and understanding what the diagnosis means for you. 

• As a man with ADHD, how best can I support my daughter with her ADHD given I find it hard to empathise and relate to others?

I think realising that your daughter’s ADHD is going to be noticeably affected by her hormones and her cycle is quite important.  There’s been some research in this area that seems to indicate that in the first 14 days of the menstrual cycle, as oestrogen levels increase, ADHD medications appear to be more effective and ADHD symptoms seem to decrease and become more manageable. Conversely in the luteal phase of the cycle, as oestrogen levels decrease and progesterone increases, ADHD medications appear to be less effective and ADHD symptoms appear more pronounced and less manageable.  Empathy is difficult for men with ADHD but it can be developed, it is something one can learn even when it doesn’t come naturally and it’s something that an ADHD coach can assist you with. 

• What if you have never been diagnosed but suspect that you have ADHD as you present with many of the symptoms.  Is it worth getting diagnosed later on in your career?  What benefits will it bring?

The answer to this is – it depends.  What are you looking for out of a diagnosis? 

If you’re wanting validation and recognition that there is reason for some of the things that you do and the struggles that you experience, a diagnosis could be invaluable. 

If you are wanting medication to help with some of the more difficult aspects of ADHD then a diagnosis is imperative. 

If you’re planning to ask for adjustments or accommodations at work, then a diagnosis could be helpful although your employer should consider your request without a diagnosis.  However, the reality is that a lot of employers will not consider putting any accommodations or adjustments in place for someone without medical “evidence”. 

So, it depends on what you are hoping to get out of the diagnostic process. 

I personally feel that self diagnosis is as valuable as a medical diagnosis but not everyone sees it that way and particularly in working life, it can be very difficult to get the right kind of support without a diagnosis.